My Dad Made me an Ally

I wish I could thank him

My dad taught me many things: sarcasm, stoicism, doing a job well, reverence for nature and how to be an understated LGBTQ+ ally. Some of these lessons took a while to form, but being an ally was developed after only two statements, years apart from one another.

One day, when the AIDS crisis was breaking, news of Rock Hudson’s diagnosis was splashed on all the gossip rags near the till in the grocery store. I had a vague idea of who he was; I knew he was a movie star, but I didn’t understand the attention he was getting about having AIDS.

My mom was with me, so I asked her why this would be considered big news. She said, “Well, he kissed a lot of girls, but if he has AIDS then he was gay, so he betrayed his fans.”

That sat wrong with me. How could he betray his fans by enjoying the company of men? In my opinion, he owed the fans nothing — just a good performance as an actor.

Then the regular news picked up the story.

My dad was at the kitchen table, newspaper spread out in front of him, when I saw him barely glance at the article about Rock Hudson. I sat down and tried to find the words for my confusion over the whole thing. I started by making a comment about the actor, AIDS, and being gay.

“You should never be concerned with another person’s sex life unless you want to be a part of it,” my dad said without looking up.

That statement settled inside me and laid the groundwork for who I wanted to become.

Over the years I let that statement guide me in how I interacted with people. Their private lives were none of my business unless they made it my business. Even then, I wouldn’t dig for more information on who they were intimate with, didn’t press anyone to use a pronoun when they spoke about their partner, and didn’t bat an eye when someone said they might, perhaps, maybe like to present themselves as the opposite gender. Instead I’d simply nod like they were debating choices for their next meal and let them decide how much they wanted to reveal.

The second statement had a broader impact, not one confined to the LGBTQ+ community. I didn’t even associate the two until I’d first heard the word ‘deadname’.

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