What is the meaning of life?

As someone who has read far and wide trying to ascertain why we are floating on a random spherical ball in space, the mysteries behind our existence is something that has arguably kept me up all night on some occasions. (I say this with firm seriousness, I literally have had insomnia pondering this question.) I have studied various philosophical, scientific and theological themes that try to explain the ‘why’ of our existence, but none of them really gave an adequate answer for me. The best I could get was the ‘how.’

I would give you a timeline of my ever changing beliefs for some background information. During my pre-teen years, I would say that I was largely theistic. Simply put; I assumed we were placed on earth by an all knowing being who had a purpose for doing so. Our purpose, for me, was intrinsically linked with this supernatural being, who gave us various talents and gifts to share with the world and this was where our individual purpose hid. This was arguably the most peaceful belief I have had, as during this point, my existential questions could easily be answered with one simple tool: prayer.

At some point, during my teenage years, the life that I thought was just straightforward started becoming muddy and confusing. I started experiencing trauma and pain in ways that I hadn’t experienced and my core belief system changed radically. I think the big turning point was when my cousin died of leukemia. During his ailment, I engaged in long prayers to my god to help heal him (and even others suffering all around the world). Most times, my prayers would barely touch my own needs as I was too busy praying for the end of suffering for my cousin and other unfortunate people all over the world who are suffering from conditions they had no say in. But sadly, the day my cousin died, was the day this belief died too. My prayers never got answered. He wasn’t healed. The children in Gaza I prayed for are still suffering today. The Chibok girls in Nigeria who I prayed for their return, are still missing and infact new children are abducted from the region almost every month. The issues I wanted my god to help me and the world with — are still here, if not worse.

I really do not mean to ‘shit’ on theism at all. This is *my* personal experience. At this point, everything I knew begun to crumble. The inherent meaning of life I identified with : “God knows what’s best” was shattered really badly and I think that was the beginnings of my philosophical journey into the unknown. At my time at university, I identified the most with Friedrich Nietzsche’s philosophy of nihilism or the belief in nothing. Nihilism essentially purports that life as we know it is without objective reason. We can try to ascribe meaning to it for our subjective enjoyment — but ultimately, as Camus said, “the absurdity of the human condition is that we try to ascribe external meaning to a world that has none and is indifferent to our values.”

As Nietzsche famously exclaimed: “god is dead.” (I can imagine the faces of religious folks reading that statement with despair, and for that I am truly sorry.) But I resonated with this largely because I saw the world as chaotic and random, filled with such unnecessary pain and suffering. It made no sense for this world to coincide with an all knowing and all loving theistic being. The mere fact of children with terminal illnesses made me so sure that the supernatural being I was taught to respect and love — was not a reality (or atleast, my reality).

Through watching shows like Bojack Horseman and The Good Place, I saw the obviousness of nihilism even more. As a twitter user @AyushiDesai12 perfectly surmised: “life is just collecting people to come for your funeral.” Obviously there’s some fun stuff you do in between, that give you purpose or hapiness but ultimately, it seems as though we are all waiting for the only thing that is certain — death.

But soon after my time at university, the idea that there is no meaning to this intricate and complex universe, also did not sit well with me. I began to see things in a more optimistic point of view as quite frankly, nihilism was turning me into a shell of the person I used to be. I turned to absurdism (with a sprinkle of positive existentialism) and Camus’ seemed to provide the most compelling answer to this tension between the seemingly meaningless universe and our constant search for meaning — or ‘the Absurd’ as he called it. He stated that there are 3 potential routes to answering this problem on a personal level. The first is philosophical suicide where one denies the absurd and follows a theistic path (as I did in my younger years). The second is physical suicide as I unfortunately contemplated during my nihilistic years. The last one is acceptance of the absurd, which is where I am now.

As opposed to fighting the indifferent cold, calculated but random cosmos, I have simply chosen to accept it as what it is. I have no idea why we are here, or where this is all leading to — but I no longer care. I am now legitimately running on vibes and nothing more and it is really blissful (on some days.) On the 29th of March, whilst microdosing ecstacy, I wrote this prose, on what I think the meaning of life should be:

“I believe the meaning of life is the freedom to just be. Freedom to express onself, despite imperfection. The journey of growth & the radical freedom to enjoy this long journey how one chooses (in so far as no external and internal harm is being done). This for me should be the meaning of life, but instead we are thrown into the chaos of dogma and rigid systems of hegemony and homogeneity — where sameness instead of ‘oneness’ is the goal. Despite preaching diversity; diversity of thought, expression and being is frowned upon. Our egos have stripped us from our true nature and love is no longer the universal language. Ironically, diversity of thought, religion and dogmas, coupled with this ever growing human ego is what is forcing sameness. We fail to accept people as they come because ultimately, the average person wants most people to think, feel, and be just like them. After all, this would make living easier. We see other humans and we even see ourselves as a means to an end, and not the end itself. Value of a person should not be collated by their dogmas, gender, choice of expression, sexuality, or even financial contributions to society. People should have value, because they are people. The meaning of life should thus be the meaning each person decides to attribute to it. For me, the meaning of life is simply just being.”

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