Deferring

To defer is to push something away. It is that thing in your head that tells you that you need to go shopping, be alone in your room, or not deal with anything; cause what is the point? Yes. I am being 100% serious. There are times in this life that we all feel as if we do not need to feel any sort of emotions. That we can have some sort of coping mechanism until we forget it or until the sweet bliss of death takes us away.

Think about what I am saying though, take your time to actually understand. I, myself, defer a lot of things off in my brain that I just refuse to deal with. My question of my sexuality bounced around my head like NBA superstars in free agencies. Constantly, though, I choose to defer it all.

My first way to defer any of my emotions was diving head first into video games. In the games I played, not only was I somebody, but I was someone cool. I was somebody that I wish I could be in real life, but could never truly be. You may ask, well why not? You can do anything you want. Well, not if what you want is to just not be you. A frustration had built up between myself and… well myself; and the entire battle that you have to fight everyday.

Let’s break that down even further because look at the image I had to paint for you to really understand what I was trying to say. You must “fight everyday” to just get through the hours of being awake. If you go into war, you have to be aggressive, on edge, angry, ready for absolutely everything to happen. You have to put on your armour, get your weapons polished and loaded, and get ready for the enemy to come.

However, the enemy is already here; they know every single move that you are going to do. If you go left, they are there, smiling at you. Retreating, you sprint over the wall back to your base; going to the code red zone. Code Red was built, heavily protected, with five passcodes and two facial recognitions, the only way that someone can get in is if they are the person who made it. It would be IMPOSSIBLE for anyone else to get in, until you get there.

You open the last fail/safe option, and the enemy is there; again. You can’t hide away from them because they are you. These are your problems and no matter where you run, they find you. There is no question as to whether they are going to catch you or not, either they get you or death is going to strangle you.

No, the issue arises is that you are at war, constantly with yourself. You are on edge, making yourself ready to snap at that stupid starbucks barista who did not give you the right drink today. You just knew he would mess it up because he just gave you so much attitude the entire time. Why does he have an attitude? It’s his job to serve the customer, and that’s you.

That is why he is paid to be in that position. If he hates his job, go get a degree.

On the other side of the coin, though, there is a stupid customer that is coming through the drive thru. Your mom just got coronavirus, which is terrible for her because she also has lung cancer.

Yesterday, you went to visit her; meaning you had to rush out the door. As you sprint out the door, you forget your keys and have to catch the door before you leave. You jam your foot in the door, letting your dog out into the free world. His curiosity gets the best of him, as he sprints out into the middle of the road and gets hit by a car.

You dedicated your entire life to taking care of your mom, so you couldn’t go to college. You had to be by her side, just in case it happened, so you got a dog to keep you company instead of pursuing love. So you take a job at the local starbucks, after working all night as a doordasher.

All you want is the cool caress of the couch you are sleeping on in the hospital because the nurses were nice enough to bring it in from the waiting room.) But no. You must be here at work, dealing with this man that does not even know you at all. He just treats you like some slave, like some piece of crap.

Both people deal with internal issues. Whether the stress of getting to work is weighing on you or working some job you hate in the first place is getting to you. You had dreams, goals, aspirations of doing big things; but it’s all dissipated in every single caramel macchiato you must brew or drink to submit the big project to your boss.

Everyone is going so fast, almost like life has some sort of finish line. For what, though? Why be angry at life, instead of embracing it?

You don’t get that promotion, but you gain a better understanding of your kids or spouse because you didn’t work overtime all those weekends, you spent time with your family. Deal with a mean customer, but you grow to appreciate nice customers even more.

Deferring only makes you more and more upset, when you really should be learning how to understand the situation. Do you work 5–5? That seems like it is glass half empty. However, with that time at your job, what do you do with your brain? What do you think? Where do you pay attention?

Do you notice the man driving the BMW seems to be way more upset, while the woman who is driving her Honda civic seems to be at peace? Damn near, Happy!

Maybe you see a homeless person across the street from the Starbucks panhandle every day, just to get one meal at the end of the day. He comes in, smiling that he can put a little bit of substance in that huge, gaping hole in his stomach.

To defer is not only doing a disservice to yourself, but to society. Don’t defer, dive in. Embrace your situation, learn to thrive in it. Learn that the cards you have dealt aren’t an issue, but the cards you have.

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